Now I haven’t even bothered looking at what’s on Fraser Island I just know it’s cold on a night and looks nice, think we ride jeeps on there. Well I found out at the hostel that actually there isn’t even any showers on the island. Basically it’s full of tramps, and I am one of them. Not much I can do about that, apart from pretend I’m Bear Grills. And there is Dingos on there. Apparently they are quite dosile but they eat some kids before. Good job I’m not taking any kids.
I haven’t had a shave in a few days either, I’m gna come off looking like Tom Hanks off Castaway, Kayleigh looks like Wilson.
So the next morning it was a 6am start for Fraser Island. Our tour guide was called Sydney, his name should be easy to remember seems I spent the last 5 month living in Sydney. Once we got off the ferry Sid pulled us in and gave us all a driving lesson. Apparently cars have flipped, washed out to sea, people have died. I was down as a registered driver 😂😂. This should be fun.
The first stop on Fraser Sydney reliably informed us that this place is the home of the Funnel Web spider and 20 of Australia’s most venemous snakes. Also there is no hospitals on the island, if your bitten or break any bones, they need to order a helicopter then an ambulance which can cost upto 12 grand 😂 basically alot of stuff that can kill you but not alot you can do about it. Fuckin hell Sydney could of told us this shit before we turned up.
After the first stop after 2 main drivers had a go it was time for me to get behind the wheel. I stalled twice in the first 5 minutes, the passengers were all beside themselves and forced me get out. I personally thought I was good, they are just shit houses. I just needed abit of a chance to get used to riding on sand and in a new 4 wheel drive. Anyway long story short, nobody wants me to drive the car even though 7 of the people have licenses I told them my situation and I had the bottle to get up and drive.
Then we went and swam in a cheeky lake and after that they were all willing to give me a second go behind the wheel. I was actually good this time and only stalled on a sand hill, it turns out I can drive just struggle on sand hills. As you would if you hadn’t drove in 5 years, had a new vehicle to figure out and had never drove on a sand hill. Practice makes perfect in this game. Us Grove Hillians are born to drive off road.
End of the night we went back to the camp for barbeque, a good mix of people different ages, nationalities and 2 vegetarians. I was having a good conversation when Sid come over and said excuse me mate can you come here and disconnect this gas (whilst smoking a fag) he said he thinks it might be against workplace health and safety for him to change the gas cannister with a lit cigarette. In all fairness he is probably quite correct. I love Sydney. He then sat round the camp telling us about sky diving he’s done about 3000 cos he used to run that here but more money is in these tours. He’s lived a full life, a proper bushman. Hopefully I end up like Sydney when I am his age.
After some burgers Sid said I was driving that slow he thought I was going to get out of the car with a 4 pronged walking stick #ZimmerLife 😂😂
In all fairness Sid actually told me that one his first ever 5 car tour he was the lead driver. He forgot to put it in 4 wheel drive on the wet sand got stuck, got everyone behind him got stuck and then the national TV channel came out 😂😂. All of them stuck on wet sand on the beach with helicopters blasting around for that long then they all realised he hadn’t turned the vehicle into 4 wheel drive. He said if ya haven’t had a car stuck on Fraser Island you have barely been on Fraser Island. Funny because its true.
I haven’t had a car stuck or the TV cameras out after me yet. But it’s only day 1. And God loves a tryer.
First night round the camp has been an unbelievable experience all sat round singing Queen – We Will Rock You.
It got abit later in the night and Sid started collecting the plates and such in. I realised he was gna start washing up. I jumped up thinking I’m not letting Sid do the washing up (he just said I look 26 years old). So got round whipped my hood off ready to get my arms dirty in the dish he said no mate don’t worry about that now I’m gna get it all sorted then we can sort the washing up, I thought fair enough went and sat back down whilst he did what he had to do. I looked over he had 2 girls from the other end of the camp doing the washing up. I love Sid, saved me a night of washing up. I thought I may aswell do it mashed I will enjoy it more than if I did it sober. Turns out I enjoy not washing up mashed more than washing up mashed, learning so much about myself on this journey.
Sid had cheered me up that much I bailed the cans off and got on my first box of goon. I’m not going to lie it turned out I was too posh to figure out how to pour the goon but a lad I met Jordan, who went to Oxford University, poured the goon from the pack for me. Oxford University, he teaches in a private boarding school. That lad was less posh than me he knew how to pour goon. Didn’t realise how posh I was. I’ve certainly grew.
Then we went out to see the stars I’m not even joking I have seen nothing like it in the sky. Absolutely uninterrupted stars glowing like it was somewhere else. It was like dust sprinkled in between all the stars there was so many. Apparently there is more stars in the southern hemisphere. Starlight. Can you hear me, can you feel me ooooo starlight. Was all I had to say.
This is probably a good time to say anyone who got the Dusty Springfield reference that opened up the last blog. I think I have a few motifs coincidentally occurring without any effort. This is how Shakespeare must of done it.
After the stars we went back to camp, a few people looked tired and drunk. People were off to bed. That was until Sid turned round and kicked off at people for going to bed and told them to stay up. They did. Sydney was a man who should be listened to. They named the city after him apparently.
Just to make sure we drank all of our drink Sid told us we could get boxes of goon on the island for 20 bucks (basically 4 litres of wine for a 10er). It’s like the Manor House in 2005. Except everyone here is older. Just a little bit older. But then Sid went and put abit of Chelsea Dagger on, felt like the crown in 2012. What a time to be alive this is.
He sent us back out to watch moonrise. Same sky before but with more moon. Stardust everywhere Peter Cassy is dressed up as the wrestler Sawdust tonight. Must be a sign, going to be some wedding this.
Anyway as the night wore on me and Sid spoke more and more, mainly about Captain Cook. He said Captain Cook…Fraser 2
Wasn’t the first here. Alot of Europeans made it and either failed down the tropics or went home because of the crocodiles and other creatures. So the more I thought about it Captain Cook wasn’t the first to conquer Australia, he was about 3rd. Now I have conquered Australia. He has a house thats a tourist attraction in Great Ayton, I have a house thats a tourist attraction on Woodville Avenue. For 50 quid our mam will show you my bedroom, just message me on Facebook before you get there. Hope she reads this before the queue forms.
I forgot what happened for ages basically Sid told me about every single snake about and all the different ways they kill you. They strike, strangle, bite, spit venom to the eyes. I had to drink a few more goons. I wasn’t leaving his site just yet. As I type this he is describing a specific type of snake death to Kayleigh, she darent go to bed. Tough luck, she knew what she signed up for.
As time wore on more people went to bed now this was the first night on a camping trip and me and Sid are both the oldest. Amateurs. Now although people will disagree, I’m not going to bed til Sid does. Apparently it’s sunrise tomorrow, like I’ve never seen them before.
Well the sun was coming up the time was 6am. Kayleigh took great delight in waking me up after about 4 hours sleep. Apparently I should of went to bed earlier. Well at this point I was still very drunk.
It would be later on when I realised I probably shouldn’t of stayed up til daft o’clock talking with Sid about how hard we used to be. It wounds like he used to be the Roy Keane of the league below the AFL. I must sound like a 30 year old Manny Pacqiuao the way I went on about my welterweight world titles, and knocking people out, sound like most people in boro stood in a kitchen on a Saturday night! The only thing was Manny Pacqiuao is welterweight champion of the world at 40, I am only 30 and don’t think I have ever even been even welterweight never mind the rest😂.
After a spot of toast for breaky, it was time to go. Just to check if I could drive I took a breathalyser. I blew way over the limit. No driving for me this morning. Sid blew sound, but I was on the goon, that’s probably why. Fully gooned right up at 8am. Kayleigh took the wheel for the team and guess what?! She stalled on the hill 😂 yes. Kayleigh with about 9 years driving experience. Stalled it.
As we went along the beach we seen a few Dingos mooching along. And did I mention Kayleigh stalled the vehicle?
After this we headed on to Eli Creek. About an hour after Kayleigh stalled. We got a Noodle and floated with the current down the creek. It was very relaxing. When I get home I might get some Noodles from Oodles and hopefully it helps me to remember Oodling on my Noodle.
After the shipwreck and a spot of lunch it was off to the Champagne Pools. It was at this point in the day I realised I probably shouldn’t of stayed up all night drinking and chatting macca to Sid 😂
We went up to Indian Head and watched the whales, this time there was about 20 whales all splashing about in the sea. Unbelievable. They call it the Humpback Highway.
Back at camp I got the barbecue under way, sausage sarnies galore, king of the kitchen. All the vegetarians got a courgette. Get that into ya. I try to treat all people equally in spite of their dietary requirements. It’s important to be politically correct these days.
Got a good few stories off Sid 😂 he’s off his rocker. Lived a good life though. To be fair when ya job is cruising around Fraser Island and getting tanked up the perfect amount that you sleep it off to blow a zero on the breathalyser. We nearly made everyone set off late but he blew a zero this morning as he stayed off the goon.
Pretty much everyone was in bed by 10pm. Boring Bastards, me and Sid were up until 2 then back up for 6. I am supposed to be known for falling sleep. We had a few more nightcaps then knocked it on the head. Had an early morning flight round the island booked. Back up at 6:15 for another sunrise. Had about 8 hours kip over the last 2 days I am paggered and filthy.
It was back up for sunrise and the flight, never even had time to brush my teeth then we were up in the air. The camp also needed a good scrub. Just like me. But had a decent night’s sleep which was vital, big day ahead.
First stop was the small plane, we took off on the beach then flew around the island, we could see dolphins from above in the sea, then cruised along the island overlooking all the rainforest. Absolute scenes.
After this it as a few hours around Lake Mackenzie before lunch and home. Once we get Dave back the plan is to head straight up to Bundaberg before Rock Hampton and the Whitsundays.
This trip has definately been one of the best experiences I’ve had, no WiFi, out living proper camp life. Not even having a proper wash. Sick of eating bread though, burgers, sausages, wraps. Going to be a very fat man waddling around Middlesbrough very soon. Hopefully noone says out.
Fraser Island will always have part of me. Just a shame that part of me is my Sony speaker which I left there and was heading on so no time to get it back 😂 I already lost one in Melbourne. So Australia will always have 4 special parts of me, 2 speakers and 2 phones. Nightmare.